Because I'm the...

I turned into a crazy bridezilla when I planned my wedding. Jesus, at least I can admit it - it's only taken nine years!

Anyway, I was so completely consumed with the littlest details all of which seem utterly ridiculous today! Looking back now, we should have spent that money on upgrades to the house we had just bought and eloped!

But, we didn't and I was nuts. We hired a fancy "photojournalist" photographer to shoot our wedding. At the time, this style was kind of new and was totally different than those posed portraits of years past. Photos were to be candid.

So, I was adamant that we would not being doing any posed family photos after the ceremony. You know the ones: bride and groom, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, family dog, grandma, priest, and your second cousin from Indiana all standing on the alter. And then you do the exact same photo with your new husband's family. Hideous, right?

Well, I lost this battle - I honestly have no idea who wanted them done, but they were done. And really, it wasn't a big deal.

But...it was hot, I was hungry, and I wanted to get on with the reception. After what seemed like the hundredth photo, all these people...er, family, were standing around and I felt like an animal on display.

I remember asking someone, maybe a bridesmaid, "can you clear all these people out of here?" And then someone else asked why. I swear, on my then new marriage, I jokingly said "because I'm the bride!"

But it came out like this, in a shriek: because I'm the BRIDE!!!!

And at the reception is apparently when my husband's drinking problem began.

Submitted to Mama Kat's weekly Writer's Workshop!

Writer's Workshop: Repeat it and Believe it!

Participating in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop again this week! Love it!

The prompt: "I need all the help I can get and if repeating something healthy and inspiring to myself several times a day helps, then I'm going to do it! -- What affirmation makes you feel better. Inspired by Shanna at Smiles, Miles, and Trials.

I've got a few, so let me share.

1) I've always sought refuge in music. I was that angst-filed teenager who spent most evenings in my bedroom listening to everything from The Smiths and The Cure to Madonna, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam and Nirvana. These are still some of my favorites!

Last year, while undergoing chemotherapy treatment, I found myself inspired by the lyrics of Tom Petty. A song I had heard a million times, "I Won't Back Down," came on the car radio while pulling into the driveway one afternoon. I sat there and listened to it until the end and told my husband - "this is my cancer anthem."

I played that song over and over for months. It inspired me, it gave me hope, it made me believe that I could make it.

Tom - yes, we're now on a first name basis - sings: "No I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down...I'll keep this world from draggin' me down, gonna stand my ground and I won't back down."

Pretty powerful.

2) I got a beautiful necklace from my husband for Christmas. The card attached was the best part. It reads: "I am healthy and my body is strong" and instructs you to repeat it and believe it! I do.

From Dogeared.com

3) Finally, my Grandmother and I had a falling out some time ago and we haven't spoken to each other in almost ten years. That's for a whole different post -- but I will never forget a saying she taught me when I was in junior high. For a long time, I thought she had come up with it on her own but Google says different. Anyway, it goes like this:

"When a task is once begun, never leave it 'till it's done. Be the labor, great or small, do it well or not at all."

I might say this to myself at least once a day and it really, truly, honestly helps me get through whatever I'm struggling with! Though we may no longer have a relationship, I do thank her for teaching me this lesson in perseverance.

Spring is the new Fall

I've wanted to participate in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop ever since I found her blog. Every week she assigns several prompts and we are to choose one or all of them to respond to. There was something about this week's prompt about the coming of Spring that really spoke to me.

The prompt: Share some photos and stories about why you love Spring.

I had always been a Fall kind of girl. For me, I rejoiced in a small window of time beginning at the start of a new school year and ending at Halloween. I adored the way the sun glowed in the late September afternoon. Attending the annual Fall festival at the local Catholic church. And the vintage Halloween decor I had begun to collect as an adult. I had even dreamt of having a Fall baby so that I could plan a ghoulish-themed birthday party like the one I had seen in the movie "Hanging Up."

My love affair with the Fall ended in October 2008 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I had to forgo planning my daughter's first Halloween (she had been born earlier that Winter crushing my Fall baby dream) and instead get ready for eight rounds of dense dose chemotherapy.

That Fall and the Winter that followed are a little hazy. I was sick. I was bald. I was miserable. In January I was working with one of the nurses planning out my new few appointments for treatment. The end was in sight - my last chemo would be April 2, 2009.

I sat at my desk filling in the dates on my calendar. I noticed the bare branches of our neighbor's birch tree that hang outside our office window. I'll never forget that day because I knew that once that tree had started to sprout new leaves that I would finally be done with treatment.

April 2nd arrived - and sure enough - so did the tiny, green leaves of the birch tree.

For me, Spring is the new Fall.