"The fundamental job of a toddler is to rule the universe."
- Lawrence Kutner, American Child Psychologist
OMG. I don't even know where to start!
I feel like I have spent the entire day 1) presenting options, 2) making empty promises, and 3) bribing.
Let me explain: this is Audrey. So cute, so sweet, so lovable BUT totally two! And she knows exactly what she's doing. Where do they learn this stuff?
How can a child get so upset over a plate? I made breakfast and put it on one of her adorable plates but this wasn't gonna fly. She wanted her "Ariel" plate and demanded so. I kind of suspected that was the reaction I was going to get but instead tried serving it as is. This resulted in tears and a face similar to the one pictured above. So, what do I do? I dig the dirty mermaid plate out of the dishwasher, wash it, slide her breakfast from one plate to another, and present it to her again. She's happy...for a second, until I offer orange juice in her Elmo cup. And it starts all over again!
Now she's asking for her Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer movie. Hello? Doesn't she know Christmas is over and mommy can't handle another verse of "Silver and Gold?" But do I draw the line here? Nope. Instead, I tell her that we'll watch it later knowing that I'm making yet another empty promise. I say "another" because I do the same thing when she asks to drive my car (I let her sit in the driver's seat ONCE with the car off, parked in the garage, no keys in sight and now she wants to do it every day!).
Bribery. Am I the only one doing it? The worst part of it is that I'm doing it with candy! I actually bought a pack of M&M's today knowing that I'd need them to get her into her stroller later on in the day! Then I used them to lure her into the house. Then as a snack (God, I'm so embarrassed writing this) knowing that it would give me at least ten quiet minutes to prepare her dinner, on the Ariel plate, nonetheless!
So, I turn to you, my fellow moms (and dads) for some sound advice!
Here's my questions. Do I:
1) Just let her eat all her meals from the same plate day after day to avoid the whole scenario presented above? But, what if next week she wants to dine from her spider plate and since I've excluded giving her any options she grows up to be a boring, monotonous adult?
2) Constantly tell her "no" because I can't deal with the never ending words of Burl Ives running though my head or the fact that I'd much rather hang in the house than in the garage while she plays taxi-driver? Oh wait...I could catch up on my magazines, recline the passenger seat, read a bit until she's ready to move on to the next thing...hmm, that could work.
3) Stop feeding her bribes? How else do I get her to do what I want?
Help!
9 comments:
Oh dear! I feel your pain! We had to find the perfect cup today too. And she had to search through all the lids to find the perfect one. I usually just let her pick to begin with. When she wants cereal in the morning, I tell her to get her bowl & the cereal out while I get the milk. Then, it avoids all the melt downs, and it teaches her to do things for herself. Win/win.
If she wants a specific cup, I tell her to get it then.
On the car thing, *I* would say no. Or tell her like that is for special times and when she's being a super good girl.
See, my theory is that it's a very fine line. You want to nurture their new found independence, allow them to make their own decisions, but you don't want them to end up thinking that everyone & everything revolves around them. In our house, we walk that line. Sometimes we go too much to her side of the line, then we correct & try to find the balance.
Our current dilemma---in order to distract her & get rid of the binky, we allowed her to watch TV at bed time once. Which has turned into her wanting to watch it every.single.night. I blame that one on hubby. He's the softie, and I have to be the meanie.
But that's what being a parent is all about. Sometimes we have to be the meanie b/c ultimately, we have to do what is needed to lay down boundaries & raise them to be well rounded people. And try to allow freedoms & choices. It's a tough, tough job! Don't be too hard on yourself! Just follow your heart.
Talking this out reminds me of a paper my pediatrician gives out every time we go in about not raising spoiled children. {Gotta love him!} I may have to post that on my blog. God knows every parent of a toddler needs to hear that every now & then! {MYSELF especially!!}
Thank you, Amber!
I love your advice on nurturing her independence! And the idea about making things, like driving mommy's car, as reward for super great behavior!
Wendy
Being that I've taken care of four toddlers at one time, I can tell you that they will never starve. I let them have their fit, cry, throw their bodies on the floor... leave the food there, they will come back to it when they are finally done.
Of course, there are days when I when I just give in too.
Good luck!
Wendy --
Keep your eye on the prize (a happy 4 year old +) - this is going to be tough, however if you stick to a plan in a few years you will be happy you did. This is the "one time rule". I am not saying it is easy and it will be the toughest on you. However, after what you have been through -- it may not be so tough? When the challenging behavior begins start by explaining to her why this is bad behavior and give her "one time" to fix the behavior (give her a chance to correct the behavior and for you to explain to her what she is doing wrong and reward if she listens the first time, not "no" right away). During the “one time” explanation you have the opportunity to show and explain to her how her behavior makes you feel and why it is bad behavior. I know this sounds silly – but remember she is just a child and she has to be taught everything about good and bad behavior. If she does it again you have to enforce a consequence (same consequence every time forever— do not ever give in). An example is sitting in "a time out spot in the house" or your choice. This part is a battle - but over time she will understand that if she does not correct the behavior she will have to go to the designated spot (unfortunately sometimes you might have to place her to the spot). After she spends time in the spot (usually crying) -- you still have to explain why she had to go there and reassure her that you are not mad (even if you are a little) at her (“important part” - you love her and you want her to listen to mommy the first time when you ask her to stop doing something, she did not - so this is what we do when she does not follow mommy's directions the first time. This will need to be enforced everywhere - in public, at home, at grandparents. I know it sounds harsh. However, we all want to same goal -- a sweet, well behaved child that everyone loves to be around. They do not even know what that means – it has to be taught. It becomes our job to teach this behavior (the not so fun part of being a mom) - discipline. Not everyone will agree with me and that is ok - I understand. A child has to be taught how to control emotions through patience and consistence (certainly not my strength) and this is a very tough part of parenting. Good Luck and be strong – the reward is priceless.
1st of all, you are the mom, the leader and signal giver. Sometimes the best way to create guidelines is to bend a pre-existing rule. To reiterate what Amber said, Mom knows best, so follow your heart/gut/instinct. Compromise when needed and it will work out. Relationships are a balancing act no matter if its a toddler, partner or whomever...
Recenty, I really let Zoe have it when she wanted to play in the bushes with the other kids. I'd already said no twice and then the third time spoke probably a little too harshly, but its a rule that I don't want to break or bend just yet. The rule is that she has to be able to see me at all times if she is playing.
The battle lines drawn, all of the other Moms witnessed me disciplining while they let their kids do what I had just said no to... so, there I was the bad guy. And I think I'm ok with it.
Great job, Wend-you are a super mom!
Let me start by saying that I have been a babysitter since I was about 13, I worked in childcare in college & grad school, I am a school psychologist and a behavior specialist who deals with preschoolers with autism all day...most of that that goes out the window when I get home. Usually I give Will two choices like, do you want the fish plate or the Cars plate? Sometimes he asks for a third choice which is usually fine but he understands "dirty" and will (usually) accept it if I tell him that what he wants is in the dishwasher or the washing machine. This works for food too.
I also started time out when he was about 2. He goes to the stairs and sits until he is calm. I haven't had to set a timer or anything yet, I just wait until he stops crying/kicking his feet and ask him if he is ready to come back. Though lately when I send him to the stairs he yells "Wisen" as in "I will listen to you, don't make me go there". The toddler book I read said you have to be consistent and I do notice that when I get wishy-washy, his behavior gets worse.
As for the "bribes" I try, mind you I said try, to keep M & Ms or fruit snacks around and catch him being good. He helps me put the toys away he gets a surprise treat. He says "Thank you" for his snack and I give him a few extra goldfish. The best way to do this is that is is totally random and he never knows what "good" thing he will do that will result in a treat. It is easier said than done and he does sometimes ask for treats after he does something he is supposed to do but usually a "next time" and a redirection can move him on. I love the idea of the car being a big reward. I will need to use that too.
All that being said, he is in his crib screaming bloody murder because I told him I am no longer going into his room 6 times after he is in bed.
Oh man, I am not there yet with Beatrice, but I can see your dilemma... I know you are not the only mom to do what you are doing, and who knows if it is right or wrong. If she is happy, I guess you do what you do to get her to stay happy!
Another thing? Oh my gosh, she is so cute. That bottom crying lip is too much!
Wow, we are dealing with this same behavior at my house!! Luckily the first few times my daughter threw a tantrum (or started crying for not getting her way) my husband picked her up, took her to her room and shut the door. That was it. It took him doing that a few times before she caught on. Now anytime she throws herself down on the floor crying because she can't have the EXACT cup that she wants we tell her to go to her room until she finishes crying. She runs to her room, even shuts the door, and less than 2 minutes later all is quiet. She even opens her door and says "Mom, I done." She comes out of that room a different kid and is back to her normal, pre-tantrum self! I realize this seems so easy and too good to be true, but I think it has a lot to do with her personality. She doesn't like conflict and she is very emotional. A few minutes in her room by herself with no attention and she is good to go! I honestly don't have any great ideas, or words of wisdom. We bride my daughter here too, only with skittles (: I am potty training her and the only way to get her to sit on the potty is with candy, LOL. When was your daughters bday? My daughter Brynne turns 2 Monday, the 18th!
Let me know when you start the shred! We can make sure to encourage eachother. I am on day 3, and still not sick of it. I figure by day 5 or 6 I may hit a wall. I refuse to give up though!
Mike said OMG Wendy doesn't give that Baby candy. I told him yes she does.
Post a Comment